Why am I single and why are so many of my friends who are beautiful & accomplished women 40 + still single? What’s that about?
The first things that come to mind for most women, and these were some of my beliefs; there are no good men available, they always choose the younger prettier ones, men are intimidated by me, the ones I don’t want to date are the ones that choose me, men who come on too strong scare me, the men I’m interested in can do better than me, and I hate the process of dating.
Are you a 40 + gal that carries some of these same beliefs? What’s your main one? Is it different than the list?
I’ve really been meditating on this lately and asking God for answers and I got some good downloads on this so I’m going to share them here and hope they help you make some needed shifts.
One of the first downloads I got is that what we resist persists. So how many of you are resisting being single, meaning you hate being single, you desire at your deepest level to be in a relationship, the idea of being single and staying so makes you sad. Do you ask God all the time for a mate? Is it something your heart longs for?
What I realized is just that; what I resist persists! So I had been resisting my time as a single woman, pushing against being single, not being settled in it, not loving and cherishing the gift that this time has been for me. I had been pushing to be in a relationship, feeling as if I was somehow unfulfilled being single. I had an attachment to being in a relationship, which when we have an attachment to an outcome we are not authentic. And we push the attachment away.
So I decided I was not going to resist being single anymore and really see the blessings I have as a single gal. I can pretty much do what ever I want to do when ever I want to do it with out asking anyone. I have almost total freedom in my life. Hello, that’s a pretty awesome blessing. How many married women are jealous of that?
If I were in a relationship at any time over the last 3 ½ years I would not have grown in the way I have because, to be honest, most men would not have understood the path I needed to take to become the women I am today. It was a pretty weird path, unconventional to say the least, and I had to have a lot of faith and courage to follow the path, including risking every thing I have financially to get here and most men would not have understood that. I needed to put ME on the line totally and to bring a man into that would not have been fair to him quite frankly.
So this time has served me and served me well. For this freedom I am grateful. I had to do the work to become the women I am today in order to realize the dreams I have in life. Had I not taken this path, I would be further from my dreams rather than closer. And eventually, I would have grown to resent my relationship because I would have felt it held me back.
I’m beyond grateful for the space to create a better life for me, which will be a better life for the relationship I eventually have. My single life gifted me with an incredible freedom to pursue a better me. And for the man that does finally get me, it will be my gift to him. I’ve done the work he’ll reap the benefits.
The other thing is my personality type is one of devotion and focus on one man. I have no desire to date a bunch of people at once, I am just a one man kind of gal. Works for some and not for others, but I know once my Him comes into my life that’s it, I’ll never have this time or opportunity again. Life will be so different because it will be he and I and the family we create together. This total freedom I currently have will be a memory of a blessed time in my life.
Ladies if you’re single find the blessings that come with the single life. They are many. How have you grown? How have you been able to nurture yourself and life? How is it a blessing for you right now? What has this time freedom given you?
Are you resisting the growth the single life gives you? If you stop resisting and see the blessing you’ll be much happier and grow so much faster.
Love and cherish this time.
The next part of this is the most important part so keep reading, it’s about to get real for us 40+ gals because this i our biggest obstacle, and unfortunately for many of us we haven’t even seen this obstacle.
Things always happen for us, not to us so when things do happen it’s an opportunity to take a look on a deeper level and learn from the scenario.
Personal story time…
Earlier this year I was communicating with a man I had met on Instagram that I was enjoying getting to know. In the end, he chose someone much younger than I. I had to take a look at that and understand what the lesson in this was for me.
Most women would say oh he’s a jerk or what ever, but I knew this guy had a good heart and I had developed a respect for his character & integrity so I knew I couldn’t go there. I had to look at me. I had to understand my part because blaming him wasn’t the answer.
So when I went into meditation over this and asked God for answers I got my answers.
Here’s the painful, yet beautiful message downloaded to me. When I first started communicating with him, I never believed he would be interested in me so I met him intellectually.
My communication with him was from an intellectual place, not really from my heart. So there was a wall up on my part. A major fear of rejection. I had all these feelings and concerns about how do I know if I’m really interested in him having never met him? Should I flirt if I don’t know him? What’s appropriate? Is he even interested in me romantically? I didn’t know. But I was all concerned about it, and by having a concern and attachment to an outcome I didn’t risk anything. I stayed intellectual, I stayed closed off, I stayed in my fear.
Be willing to risk the open.
The older we get the less we are willing to risk being open and yet it’s our openness that draws a man in. Ladies Men HAVE TO feel our openness, it’s our feminine radiance that draws them in. It’s what they crave as men and they will continue looking for it until they find it. And they may find it in a woman they aren’t that compatible with, but she’s giving him the feelings and emotions his masculine heart craves.
It literally does not matter how much makeup we put on our face, how much botox we have in your forehead, how perfect our hair is, the labels we wear, if we have stretch marks or not, if we have a little extra weight or not. None of that stuff matters more than your open radiant heart.
Do men need to be attracted to you? Yes, they do, but men are attracted to many different types of women, what wins his heart is your open radiance. So stop being concerned about the external stuff and start to focus on how open your heart is.
And often times men find an open heart in much younger women. Why? because either younger women haven’t been as jaded as the 40+ crowd or they haven’t trained the feminine out of themselves yet. Most younger women are still very open and vulnerable. They don’t carry the heavy burdens of life because for most, life hasn’t hit them, or if it has they can still hold their openness. I admire that in them. We can learn greatly from that.
A man also has to see where he fits into your life. When I was talking to my coach about this she asked me, did you make room for him and could he figure out where he fits in your life? Hmmm wow, Little bit of a punch in the gut. The answer was no! I hadn’t made space for a man. I was so unsettled and I knew I was closing in on settling down, but I still didn’t have clarity on all of it so there was no room.
If you have not made space for a man then he cannot figure out where he fits. He’s not going to ask you, he may not even realize what it is that’s missing, he’s just going to move on regardless of how much he likes you. Because ladies there are plenty of women out there who are attractive, open and have made obvious space for a man to fit into their life.
For us 40+ gals we often have an established home, because we’ve had to provide that for ourselves. We have established careers, we make our own money and have had to provide and protect ourselves. Men just don’t know where they fit.
And here’s the things ladies, some of you are saying well he should be stronger and step up. Ok, stop for a second here. Put yourself in his shoes. He’s just as scared as you are. He has a heart too.
Chances are you’ve created some level of success in your life and that can be a bit intimidating for a man, no matter how strong he is. Again ladies put yourself in his shoes. A man’s primary desire is to provide and protect the women in his life and his family. That’s every thing to him if he’s a healthy man.
So if you’ve done such a good job of providing for yourself then all the more reason you must come from open radiance in order to let him see where he fits.
A few years ago I was having lunch getting to know a guy that was about 5 years younger than me, gorgeous, so funny and had created a successful business. As he was asking about my life and I was sharing it with him I could see him deflate. I thought he would see me as an equal and a cool thing. I was thinking wow we’ve had some similar experiences in life, but in his mind, he’s thinking, ok this girl has already had what I can provide for her, where do I fit? How do I fit? He went on to date a girl 15 years younger than me who hadn’t had my experiences and he was able to provide for her some really amazing experiences of which she was so appreciative.
Was he weak? NO, he’s just going where he can see himself fitting, he’s going to where he sees himself protecting and providing. He’s going to where he can be fully in his masculine energy. It’s the masculine/feminine polarity that creates the passion in relationships.
So we have to make room for men; metaphorically and physically. Not only make room for them in your heart, make room for them in your home too. Leave space in your closet, bathroom, and nightstand as a metaphor of open space.
Making room for a man to fit also doesn’t mean you need to become weaker, giving up your good paying job, and beautiful home, but we have to strike a balance in all of that so that a man can see where he fits, that he fits, and it’s ok to come in. It’s not about stepping down and becoming less of a woman, it’s about living fully from your radiant open heart.
Ladies put your feet in his shoes. Can you imagine how intimidating you can be to him? He’s measuring whether or not he can see if he can meet your needs. Men fear failing to meet your needs so he’s assessing whether or not he can, and if he can make you happy. He has to see that he can do that or he’s not coming in.
Men gravitate and even crave feminine energy. They crave it in their core and when we don’t show up with our hearts open and vulnerable it’s impossible to meet a man where they want to be met. That’s our true radiant feminine.
Feminine energy is chaotic, wild, free, fun, emotional, creative and playful. It’s open, vulnerable and expressive. It’s who we are at our core. So many of us have just denied it.
So what does this mean for us, single ladies? Well if we ever wish to be chosen by a fully embodied masculine man, then we must step out of our comfort zone, we must face our fears of being vulnerable, open, playful and fun.
We have to laugh and play, smile and love, fully embrace who we are, live from confident radiance and make space so a man can see where he fits.
One more thing on this…. Some of you may be inclined to think, oh I missed so many good ones because I wasn’t in my feminine, I was living from fear and inauthenticity and there won’t be another come along like that. Never fear ladies, Divine Timing is everything! I believe that if you desire it in your heart and you’ve let God know you desire someone then there will be a man come into your life. You must have that faith that you can vibrationally attract that.
And I don’t believe it will be just any man, he’ll be a man to capture your heart, to make you smile, to love you deeply. He’ll be your perfect match where you bring out the best in each other, where you’re so aligned and you make a great team. I believe this. And it’s there for you too.
I have been pretty specific about what I want, even down to the physical looks of the man that I am drawing in. I believe he exists and know in Divine Timing he’s coming in. So forgive yourself, and never think you missed the boat due to miss information. Live from your feminine, get specific about what you want, make room for what you want and become a vibrational match to that which you’ve asked.
…And be willing to risk the open!